Things I Wish My Mother Had Taught Me

My mother didn’t teach me how to communicate because she shut herself off from me completely. Communication is supposed to be a give-and-take, a process of learning not just how to speak, but how to be heard—how to express emotions, navigate conflicts, and connect with others. But when the person who’s supposed to model that shuts down, you’re left to figure it out alone.

She was there, but she wasn’t there. She didn’t ask questions about my life, didn’t encourage me to share my thoughts, and didn’t offer any kind of emotional validation. When I tried to talk to her, she either ignored me, dismissed me, or got angry. So I stopped trying. I learned that silence was safer than speaking, that keeping everything inside was better than being met with indifference or rage.

Because of her, I didn’t know how to name my feelings. I didn’t know how to resolve conflicts, how to have hard conversations, or how to express what I needed. I spent years either swallowing my emotions or letting them explode out of me in ways I didn’t understand. I had to unlearn the belief that my voice didn’t matter.

I had to teach myself how to communicate. I had to learn that not everyone would shut down or lash out when faced with vulnerability. I had to teach myself that it’s okay to express emotions, to ask for what I need, to expect reciprocity in conversations. But none of that came from her. She left me to figure it out on my own.